Aerophobia; The Flying Death Trap

Aerophobia. The fear of flying. Let me tell you something about me... I HATE to fly. I have hated it ever since I can remember. Getting on a plane, for me, is no easy task. I know, ahead of time, that I can't watch any movie or tv show that has an airplane going down at all. I start, 2 days before I board the plane, not sleeping... because sleeping results in dreams of planes going down, going into buildings, or catching on fire. I prepare for my flight by stocking up on xanx, music to listen to, and lots of prayers. I try to exhaust myself before I get on the plane, because exhaustion mixed with xanax usually is enough to knock me out even before we take off. And, up 'till now, I have made sure I sit next to someone I love who is willing to hold my hand while I white-knuckle theirs during the duration of the flight. I say "up until now," because tomorrow I will be embarking on a journey that I never, in a million years, imagined I would embark on.

Tomorrow I will be getting on an airplane, and flying to California, all. by. myself.

Let me tell you why I hate flying death traps, as I so fondly call them.

1) They're unusal. There is no good reason those big chunks of metal should stay in the air. Blah, blah, blah, Bernoulli’s Principle... yadda, yadda, the force of the air going over the top... whatever! That's garbage. Planes weigh, like what, 500 tons... 500,000 pounds... some large amount of weight... yeah, come on now. I've had my phone fall on my face, while laying in bed, enough times to know how gravity works. It doesn't make sense.

2) They're loud. Why do they gotta be so darn loud?

3) They are filled with STRANGERS!!! I feel like I need to do a background check on each and every person on a plane, personally, before I feel comfortable. I'm not a stereotypical person, but when I step foot on a plane... everyone has a motive, and a secret. You can't trust anyone.

4) AND Those strangers I love so much carry illness. If it's not bad enough that you don't know who is carrying what disease, think of the AIR MOTION SICKNESS.
   *Side note. I hate throwing up. I hate doing it myself. I hate being near someone who does it. I hate thinking about it. I clam up, curl into a bawl, and cry when it comes to vomit.*
As if my anxiety wasn't already on red alert several thousand feet in the air, why don't you throw me next to someone who is far too friendly with that precious little white air-sickness bag.

Ladies and gentleman... that would be the perfect storm. You might as well strap me to a parachute and throw me out the emergency exit, because I am done for at that point.

5) Terroists. It's pretty simple. I watched 9/11 happen, just like everyone else, and have thought about it every day since then. It was awful, and sad, and does not help comfort me aboard the flying death trap.

6) Hey, let's throw on some claustrophobia into the mix! OBVIOUSLY the best place to have a full blown panic attack is in the cabin of a puddle jumper, shmoosed between the disease ridden strangers puking in their white bags.

7) Turbulence. No.

8) Bad weather... Forget about it. Whenever something that is holding my life in its hands has to be DE-ICED... it's not ok with me. Nope. Don't worry about de-icing the frozen plane, because i'm halfway to timbuktu on FOOT by that point.

9)The smell of an flying death trap's cabin is enough to make my heart beat out my chest.

10) The Flights Are Longer than life itself. Yeah, visitng Australia would be great. But be prepared to take me off the plane in a box because I will most assuredly be in pieces by the time we land.

So, you see, I have a deep "love" for the flying death traps. Some people are surprised to find out i've flown SEVERAL times.. more than I can count. I've been all over the states, parts of Canada, and even to EUROPE! I enjoy traveling, and was blessed to have been brought up by parents who appreciated travel, and spoiled my brother and myself with trips galore. You honestly think I'd be used to it by now.

But, alas, I'm not. I'm just as terrified as ever. But I CAN DO THIS!! I am going to go to California this week. I'm going to play with my cousins and "my kids." I'm going to see Mickey Mouse, dang it! It very well could be my first, and last, lone plane trip... but it is a task I have longed to accomplish. Much like the Little Engine That Could... "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can." Ya gots to have the faith, folks.

And hey, to those strangers joining me on tomorrow's death trap... don't be alarmed of the (almost) 21 year old woman, drugged, possibly crying, huddled in the corner, eyes clamped shut for the whole hour and a half. I'll be fine. It's how I cope! And, if by chance, you're sitting next to me and I happen to grasp your hand... I mean.... just don't throw up on it. Here's hoping I get to sit next to the cutest little old lady. You know. The kind that becomes everyone's grandma and offers you hard candy and stuff. She'll hold my hand.

Wish me luck! I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...


The following are pictures I snapped in between bouts of being passed out. There are SOME perks of being in the devil's transportation...and it's the view.

On my way to Oregon

On my way to Long Beach

On my way to Nova Scotia

I'm Still Breathin'

Have you ever been driving around, looking for a particular car? Whether it was parked on the side of the road, or maybe, just maybe, the universe would put you two on the same street, and you’d pass each other? Whatever the case, I noticed something when experiencing this very situation; before long, all the headlights of all the cars begin to look like the exact one I longed to find. However, not once did the car in question cross my path. 

Obviously it wasn’t the car itself I needed to find. It never is. Cars are just a mode of transportation… something that aids us to live our lives, work our jobs, and chase our dreams. I just found it interesting that in a moment of longing and desperation, my mind started to see just what it wanted to—my mind comforted my heart by creating the scenario where there was hope. Crazy how the relationship between mind and body work, isn’t it?

My heart kept me out looking. My heart was giving me hope. My heart was what was giving me strength.... and in this moment all my mind wanted was to protect the innocence of that. My mind knew better. My mind knew I needed to go home, get in bed, and recover. But our bodies are a a complex thing, full of gears, all of which work hand in hand to keep us moving.

We do what we have to to stay alive. 

The biggest part of staying alive is that it is between me, my emotional heart, and my cautious mind. I, as well as all of you, have to trust that the rhythm between mind, body, and spirit are doing what they need to. We need to trust in ourselves, in our past, in how we were raised, and in faith. 

It's time to listen to those around us, those in our circle, and those we love... but to act upon your own knowledge and intuition.  I'm 20 years old... ALMOST 21. I'm not a kid anymore. I'm doing what I need to do to stay alive, and ultimately that is left up to me. 

Please know that I'm acting in harmony with my heart, mind, and my spirit. Please know that when life gets too hard to stand, that I fall directly to my knees. Please know that all of you that have touched my life in one way or another, have had a hand in helping me become the person i'm destined to be.... and please trust in how i've been molded. Trust in how i've been raised. Trust that i'm just a girl, with a lot of love to give. After all that I have... Why shouldn't I give back? Why shouldn't I stand strong and help hold someone else up for a change?

It's not an impossible task. It's hard. It's tiring. It's emotionally draining. But I am growing! I am strengthening my spiritual core! And I am learning! 

That's all we can ask in this life. Sometimes it takes reminding someone else to breathe, to realize how alive we've been all along. There is no such thing as having too many people love you, and there is no such thing as loving too much, too deeply, or too sincerely. We need to give breath to those in need whenever we can, until they are strong enough to stand on their own... only then will we get the air WE need to not only live, but to thrive. 

I am here. I am here because I have breath to give. The scariest part of this all is that the one person I want most to hold me up right now... is the one person making it impossible to stand. I don't know what the future holds. But I as a fellow, breathing, living human... I know i'm here. Please, know I'm here. 

We can do this.