Yes. That is right. I am perfectly imperfect... as so many are. I have worked hard to keep my blog posts as upbeat and positive as possible, and don't get me wrong, my adoption story, as a whole, has been nothing short of miraculous. However, life happens. To all those adoptees out there who may have stumbled upon my blog, believe me when I say that finding my biological parents hasn't been all great. I know that I've been blessed. I've received more in this journey than I ever expected. Adoptees go their whole life looking for their biological family and don't even come close to having what I have. I am so grateful for all that. However, this whole experience has taken a toll on my emotions, for sure.
I've known my whole life I was adopted, and i'd always been ok with it. I didn't FEEL adopted. I had my family, and that was all I needed. I knew I wanted to try to find my birth parents, and was going to do all I could. It wasn't until I actually did find them that, for the first time, I started to feel like an adopted child. I started to feel that, at some point in my life, I had been unwanted. I've been told over and over that it was what was best for me, which I believe, but still that part of me asked, "What was wrong with me? Why didn't my natural parents try harder to keep me?"
I love the family I have and I wouldn't trade them for the world. They have put up with a lot from me. For that, I'm forever in their debt... My family is the bomb.
Since I graduated high school, I have had a lot of change. Change that I have not handled well.
I tried the college thing, and it didn't work out at the time.
I watched as, one by one, my best friends moved away from me.
I had the typical relationship drama that we all know and love.
I have had to say goodbye to my brother as he gets married and starts a family of his own.
And, of course, I found my biological family.
You would think that finding them would be the happiest moment of my whole life. But it isn't all happy. I've been on a roller coaster of emotions as I have gone through this. I have felt anger, sadness, confusion, regret, and fear. I don't think that it's wrong of me to feel all this. I actually think it's quite normal! I mean, finding your biological family is no small thing, and I learned that the hard way.
Like I said, I want to keep my blog as upbeat as possible. But life isn't always that way. If I had to go back and do it all again, would I choose to find my birth parents? Of course.
My parents waited until I was 18 before they gave me my information. I'm so happy they did that. However, I'm still only 19. I still feel like a kid. And the stress of reliving what happened 19+ years ago when I was born has made me feel even smaller. I have finally learned of the story that I could only ever imagine. I learned how I came to be. Annnd I learned how I came to leave. I have heard my story time and time again. I've heard my sister, Ashley's story time and time again. Let me tell you, it's absolutely draining. It makes the wheels in my head turn. It makes me cry. It makes me feel so many different emotions.
My story is an amazing one, and it is one that I wouldn't change for anything. But, readers, please know that I am only human. I can only take so much before needing room to breath.
This post is me taking a deep breath.
It's been an amazing year and a half!!! It's also been a hard, emotionally trying year and a half. I am still working through it. I am still trying to figure out how I feel about it all. I am still trying to be me.
I love my parents. I love my brother. I love my extended family. I love my birth parents. I love my half-sister, Ashley. I love my biological extended family. I love my friends. I have a LOT of people to love and be loved by. Which is great. I couldn't handle the hard parts without them.
Life happens! That includes the hard parts of even the happiest of events.
Thanks for letting me breathe, readers.
The future is bright.
"So this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure how that could be."
-Perks of Being a Wallflower
